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11 May 2014 @ 11:11 pm
Does anyone use LJ anymore?

I had the random idea to stumble across mine and... wow

Are you reading this right now?

Yeah, you.

I know we don't talk much anymore.

I'm kind of terrible friend I guess.

But, if you are reading this... I just wanna let you know that everything is okay.
I'm sorry for leaving, but...

...she was worth every ounce of pain that I suffered
and I would endure it all over again if I had to.

11 December 2012 @ 02:02 pm
But I've taken up drinking alone.
At least once or twice a week.
Not much. Usually just a glass of whatever is sitting around.

Even still

I know it's bad.

10 December 2012 @ 06:31 pm
I feel like I'm wasting my life.
Like I'm always just waiting for it to get better.

"Oh, well maybe after this blows over, it'll be okay."
"Just give it a little while, things will get better."
and the classic
"Tomorrow is a new day."


I know I'm not old enough to really be saying that I have my whle life, but.. if you think about it.. how long am I actually going to live?
I nearly not annihilated by a car the other day.
...and honestly, if I died right now ...I wouldn't die happy.

I don't even really know where I'm going with this.
It's just a passing thought.
I'm so tired...
03 December 2012 @ 02:58 pm

looks like LJ has undergone some kinda face life

what fresh hell is this?

28 September 2012 @ 05:08 am
I realized my life only has two speeds.


..obviously, this entry pertains to the latter.


..my whole 'bi' thing.
Joe has been really understanding of it all without being a total creep and wanting to third wheel on my action.
He still brings it up every now and then.. like.. me bringing back one of my girls or something.
He doesn't seem to mind my random girl on girl hookups because I'm apparently such a cockblock to other guys, that he doesn't have to worry about them trying to get off on watching me get busy with the ladies.

I know.

I still feel a little awkward, cause he let's me get ladies and shit but then he's just... not.
He hooked up with a guy once, so I was kinda proud of him for that.
I didn't feel AS bad, cause... well, at least he tried it.
He says he doesn't mind it. It gets him girls.
And I don't care if he's grabbing up on ladies or anything, it's whatever.

I know how it sounds.. but we're not exactly in an open relationship.

Or.. so I thought?

Long story.
Get ready for it.

So there's this girl Revy.
I started talking to her on tumblr.
Or.. actually... no, we kinda started RPing together, which turned into talking and skyping and exchanging phone numbers and shit and then we started talking to each other.
Every day.
All day.


So, we're talking for like.. 2 months. She mentions Otakon and I said I was going.
This chick is from fucking Seattle.
All the way across the damn country.

Says she's going and she's staying with friends but they won't actually be there till Friday.
Her flight lands Thursday so she was just going to get a room for herself for the night.

I told her to come stay with me and everyone, since we usually go the Thursday before.

Mind you, I've never seen this girl.
Not even so much as a picture.

So Otakon rolls around, we're at the hotel, I was making jokes that I had a mail-order bride flying in that night for the weekend. Joe thought it was cute that I made a friend and assumed she was going to murder us all and steal our money.
He's sweet.

On a little side story, her flight he was delayed, so she didn't get in till real late that night, but I kept her company and talked to her on the phone while she got a cab to the hotel and stuff.

This girl shows up in my room and she's absolutely fucking gorgeous.
I don't know what I was expecting, but... definitely not that.

I should have taken the hint when she mentioned she was taking pole dancing classes...

We immediately hit it off.
Joe even likes her and usually he's terrible at first impressions. He usually just defaults to hate until he figures them out.
But everyone gets along great.
She's talking about her trip and I'm just sitting there staring at her like an asshole.
She probably thought I was creep. Oh god.

Joe does his whole noble chivalrous thing and says she can take the bed with me while he sleeps on the floor.
He does that all the time so it's not news to me.
She knows we're together, so she felt odd at first, but I told her that's just what he does so we go to bed together.
And I'm trying to resist the urge of cuddling because I'm so used to having  Joe next to me.

Didn't matter.

Next morning, I have this tiny little thing curled up against my chest and I don't do anything to fix it.
Joe thinks it's cute.

He says it'slike watching a bunny and a kitten snuggle.

Fuckin nerd.

So the convention goes on.
Everyone splits up.
She goes and meets with her friends and we run into each other every so often.
I told her, like everyone else, if they wanted a quick change to just go to our hotel since it's closer.

It's night time, and I bring her out to come party with me and the rest of the crew.
I was determined to show her a good time, since she had been really upset earlier in the week because of life and work and all the usual bullshit. I wanted her to have fun.

What happened at the bar is an entirely different story, but utterly hilarious.
I'll have to talk about it later.

This is also the night that Joe kissed a dood at the bar.

Also.. me and Revy make out.
It was inevitable.

She tells me she has a girlfriend.
It's okay. I have a husband.
She says they have a sort of open relationship, since she lives so far away from her.
Then she tells me how she didn't plan on having a relationship with her in the first place and somehow managed to get pulled into it anyway. From how she describes it.. the other chick sounds like your typical bitch.
And this Revy girl is just... I dunno. Amazing.
Granted, she's got her fucked up problems too, but all in all.. she's too nice and just lets this other girl walk all over her.

The night goes on, give or take the short side story in the middle, and I refuse to let her go back to her hotel.
It's too far away and in the middle of the night in Baltimore.. no.
Especially not with the itty bitty dress she was wearing.

So... I took her back with me.

She ends up taking care of me because I drank way too fast.
We end up going to sleep and she's curled up against me again the next morning.

Fast forward.

It's about a week or ago, I had my car accident and she's staying on the phone with me while I'm panicking and crying and waiting for Joe to come pick my ass up.
This girl, who I only officially met once.. is actually offering to lend me money to get a rental car and to pay for my ticket for the accident. I just.. I can't.
How can someone be so nice. I don't understand.

No one has EVER been this nice to me.
Like, yeah... Joe is great and all, but... I dunno.
This just feels different ?

. . . . .

So of course I don't accept.
I tell her it's all fine.

Once all that's settled, it's a few days later and Nikki decides to bring her friend Miguel over to have a few drinks.
So drinking ensues. After the shit I went through, I get trashed.

Earlier, i had been talking to Revy.
I forgot what I said exactly, but she said she didn't feel good and was going to bed early.
I tell her good night and she says for me to have fun and we'll talk tomorrow.

But when I'm drinking.. I'm texting.
And she's all I'm thinking about.
I don't know why, but I'm worried.
So I text her to see if she's okay.
I apologize for my drunk texting.
She tells me she's upset and apologizes for lying.

Apparently.. she doesn't like it when I have all these other women all over me.

Which.. is a little odd, but i think it's adorable.
I'm no one. No one cares about me. What is there even to be jealous about?

She went on to explain how she hates living so far away and how she can hardly afford to go to NYCC but she's only doing it so she can come see me again.
So, by now.. I'm all smiles.
Of course.. I bring up the girlfriend.
Apparently, girlfriend wanted to try and move in and that was when she had to tell her no.
They had an argument and as far as  know, they're till sorta together.
I said she deserved to be happy. I didn't want to get any further then that and sound like some kinda home wrecker or something.

She says she likes me.
She says she's liked me for a while, almost since we first started talking.
She doesn't have very many friends out where she lives and she works all the time so she doesn't go out very much.

I tell her how much I look forward to her text alert every morning because it's one of the few things that reminds me to get out of bed each morning.

Joe comes out, asks me if everything is okay.
I told him I was trying to cheer her up, and he asks for her number.
I gave it to him.
Not sure why.. but I did.
He's good at telling people how awesome they are, and she likes him, they got along really well so I thought it couldn't hurt.

I'm not sure what they talked about but apparently...
Joe offered me to her.
Explained that he wasn't trying to be a creep and said that I needed a female relationship.

Which.. I kinda always wanted one, to be honest.
If anything ever happens with me and Joe, that's it.
He's the last. I'll just switch over entirely.

It's kinda weird though.. but I guess since she lives so far away, he doesn't see much harm in it.
It's not a threatening relationship.

So.. there you go.
I kinda have a girlfriend.
I guess?

I asked her out as soon as Joe told me.
She said yes.
I made the most inhuman noise of excitement.

She's still with that other girl, which is fine I guess.
I can't really do  much anyway.
She just isn't sure how to break it off without there being some big confrontation.
Which I understand.

So I'm looking forward to NYCC for entirely different reasons.
I get to see Revy again and not feel so awkward around her.

She invited me to come out o her place in March for a small convention that's going on in her area.
Depending on the money situation, I plan on going.
She invited Joe too but I think he's just going to let me have this vacation for myself.

I just can't get over this whole thing.
At first, I was unsure.
But me and him talked.
He's... weirdly understanding.
He says he's always had a hunch that I might be gearing more towards girls.
Which... I'll be honest... I really am.
I like guys and stuff too, but.. after all the shit I've gone through with them... I'm done.
I even told this to Joe. If for whatever reason wedon't work out, he would be the last man I love.
Sounds dumb, I know, but...for real.

He says the only real stipulation is if she somehow gets in between me and him.
I mean, I'm married after all.
This whole set-up is weird and I don't expect anyone to understand.

But hey... I think this might work out.

I have a girlfriend now.
She's beautiful and likes me for some reason.
Still don't get it but...

ah well.

It's past 5 in the morning.. I should go to sleep.

Current Mood: happyhappy
because really..

I don't see any of  this shit working out

I'm just so tired of everything

doing all this work and putting in all this effort

only to have nothing at all to show for it

still getting fucked over in the end

fuck you life

you win
Current Mood: distresseddistressed
13 September 2012 @ 12:55 pm
I officially have a second job now.
It's not so bad, I've balanced two jobs before.
Except, when I did that last time, both jobs had set schedules, so it wasn't as hard to get into a routine.

Both places are retail.
So I could be opening at one store and then closing at the other.
Or vise-versa.
Or just.. not at all.

I'm trying to prepare myself to never have days off anymore.
Which isn't really so bad I guess.
Other then NYCC in October.. I got nothing planned till maybe March.
But by then, I'm hoping I won't be at job one anymore and I can make job two my primary.

The place is SO organized.
I love it.
I say that now, but I'll probably end up hating it later.
But.. organized.

They're a nation-wide chain, which means stuff HAS to be done the way it's SUPPOSED to be done.
No questions.
I fucking love when I can actually go somewhere and do my job the way it's supposed to be done.

Where I'm at now.. it's just.. no one gives a shit.
It's too fucking stressful.
I have two managers who don't communicate AT ALL with each other, and they conflict constantly.
I never know what the fuck they want me to do, so I just go in.. and do whatever I feel needs to be done and just call it a fuckin' day.

So basically.. I'm Joe.

Speaking of..

He's glad I'm working.
Not so happy that I decided to keep both, but I explained it to him and he's all worried that I'll go crazy.
Which I probably will.
I'll probably stop sleeping again too since I won't have time during the day to work on cosplay stuff.

I'm just excited to be able to get some extra money.
Not that we're really hurting for funds at the moment, but we're going to be moving at the end of October so I wanna try and get as much extra cash in before then as possible.
Plus it'll be a little extra for NYCC.



That's what's been going on.


I miss your face.

Current Mood: stressedstressed
06 September 2012 @ 05:09 pm
I just really need a place to vent the fuck out.

I am so fucking sick of Joe's mom, like you can't even fucking believe.

I know, I know.. it's my fault for getting mixed up with a guy who still lives at home.
Whatever, I'm an idiot.

We've had plans to move out before, then shit happened, and we couldn't.
His mom is constantly hitting us up for money for every fucking thing.

Rent, understandable, we pay rent.
Our rent is supposed to cover the fucking groceries and the utilities.
Sometimes in the summer, she'll ask for a bit more because the extra use of the AC, which is fine.
Even in the winter, when we crank the hearter up, okay, cool, I get it.

I don't have a problem with this.

On top of that, we also pay for our cell phones.
Which is, again, fine. Especially for me because I got internet on my phone so i pay 50 or 60 bucks a month.

All of this shit if totally fine.


She has the fucking tits to ask Joe for extra money to cover HER goddamn bills?
Or when Holly needs to go back to school shopping TO GET MORE FUCKING CLOTHES THAT SHE DOESN'T FUCKING NEED. That little bitch had more goddamn shoes then anyone I have ever sene in my life.
Her clothes are all over the fucking place. You literally cannot see the floor of her room.

Also, Nikki moved back in.
The lease on her apartment was up so she came back.
Supposed to be temporary.

Don't get me started.

Me and Joe we're TRYING to get on good terms with his mom.
We would invite her to the movies whenever we went out, she would say "No thanks, I don't like sitting in movie theaters."
Or if we went out to the diner or something, we would ask if she wanted to go or if she wanted us to bring back anything. She would say, "No that's fine."

So, whatever.
We stopped asking.

Nikki moves in.

They started going to the movies like eevry other weekend.
They go out to eat at least 2 or 3 times a week.

w t f

But fine, whatever.
She has a new best friend.


With his mom hitting us up for money, we figured we would stay till Holly is off in college.
We would hang out, help her with the bills and whatever extra money she needed while Holly was around.
Once Holly was gone, she shouldn't need anything, right?


Here's when shit goes fucking stupid as all hell.

First off, we already take care of ourselves.
We clean up after oursevles, we hardly even interact with anyone in the house.
We go to work. We come home, we do our own thing.

There was some big issue about dishes piling up.
His mom is FOREVER bitching about the dishes.
Mind you, when we cook anything, IF we ever cook anything, we clean up and put it all back.
So.. we stopped using dishes altogether.
We eat off paper plates and use plastic utensils.
Joe has one glass cup he uses and I use my tea/coffee mug.
Other then that.. nothing.

The sink is still ALWAYS FULL.

Then, something came up about laundry.

First of all, we never asked her to do our laundry.
She just always comes over and drags our basket to the wash and just does it, so we never questioned it.
She tells us, and everyone else, to do their own wash cause she can't haul the baskets up and downt he stairs.
She always gets Joe to carry them for her.

But fine, whatever.

I do the wash for me and Joe.
On top of that, we don't even use the laundry basket int he bathroom.
This way, she doesn't even have to LOOK at our clothes.
We take them downstairs and put them in our basket.
Fuck the convenience.

So by now, we're pretty segregated from everyone.
Ya think?
We don't eat dinner with them.
We don't watch tv with them.
I've gone for days without so much as seeing a person because everyone is gone by the time I get upstairs to go to work for the night.

We're fairly self sufficient.

Welp, now here's some more shit.

She comes in, crying and bitching, saying all this shit that she needs help around the house.
That she doesn't feel good.
That she's dying... again.
Or some stupid fucking nonsense.

And here's me and Joe... looking at each other.
We already clean up after ourselves. That should be more then enough.
EVERYONE in this house, is hold enough, to pick up their own shit.

But do they..?

Fuck no.

Nikki is fine.
She may leave something here or there, but she does eventually get around to it.
Holly is a goddamn mess. She's a good kid, smart, kinda fucking retarded, but she's a fucking pig slob.
Her shit is all over the fucking place.
Clothes. Books. Shoes. Food. Drinks.
Just random shit all over the place.

But she's the golden child.
She's the straight A cheerleader.
She gets what she wants because her mother doesn't know how to be a fucking parent and lets her ass get away with every goddamn thing, while Joe BUSTS HIS FUCKING ASS to do EVERYTHING his mother asks of him.

I don't se ehow he does it.

Or 'did' it, as I should say.
He's done.

When we got to talking, I told him what's been happening, and had him look at the big picture.

We pay the most rent.
We pay her 1000 bucks a month, for rent alone.
On top of that, we pay for ours phones.
On top of that, he STILL gives her money for HER bills whens he can't pay them.

Do you even want to know how many times she was going to have the pets put to sleep?
Because her ass couldn't pay for the medicine? Or whatever little bit of surgery they needed?
She over feeds them like crazy, and they have all these health issues.
Especially the dog, because he's old.

Okay so back on track.

We pay ALL this money.
We only live in the smallest room of the house.
We get bitched at for every little thing.
She is always taking out shit on us.
On top of that, we're the maid service.
Not only do we clean up after ourselves, but we gotta pick up after 3 other people.

It's fucking stupid.

So now.. he wants nothing at all to do with her.
At first I kinda felt bad.
I know she'll blame it on me, because I cut off my mom. She'll think I made him do it.
But she already blames me for everything. I ruined him.
It's my fault he's like this.
It's my fault that he stopped pretending to be 'the good son' she wanted him to be.


It's my fault he stopped being a fake piece of shit.
It's my fault that he actually wants to live his life and be productive.
It's my fault he got married and wanted to have a commited relationship.
It's my fault he moved from a shit hold job and got himself a stable, providing career.
It's my fault.


What the fuck ever.

Once me and him had first started talking about moving, I told him that if he even so  uch as gives her a dime.. I'm leaving.
Unless it was for something actually important.
Life or death kinda thing.

I had this shit happen with Edd. He moved out to go help his parents cause his dad had surgey and couldn't work anymore.
So we left to go take care of him, and the house, and the kids.
He would come back to see me every weekend, drop off some money to help me with rent, and then.. eventually that stopped. Shit got bad, and yeah... not doing it again.

But now.. Joe wants nothing to di with her at all.
Even the life or death thing.
He said; "Oh well, if she wanted to put the cat and dog asleep cause she couldn't afford it, well.. I can't afford it for her either. Fuck it."

I love him.

So.. we're looking for places again.
Our deadline is the end of October.
We're just going to find an apartment in stead of trying to own something right away.
We don't have the money to get into that kinda situation yet.
We'll rent for a couple years, save, and move out when we can.
We'll just be happier when we're finally away from everyone and we can be left the hell alone and just fucking be able to live.

Also... parties.


Current Mood: bitchybitchy
12 August 2012 @ 09:30 pm
Okay so yeah, getting a car.

It's like... official now.
I'm fucking excited.


I can fucking quit my lame ass job and actually get SOMETHING ELSE.
Or for that matter... I CAN GET TWO JOBS.
Cause, seriously... I don't mind working. I really don't.
I actually LIKE to work, I just like being left alone long enough to get my goddamn job done.
So I'm gonna look for shit that's like.. cubicle work.
Or something late night, like stocking or factory stuff or whatever.

This will help with the money issue.
Ultimately, I should be worrying about apartment shit.
But really..

I can get better materials and stuff and not have to be so cheap with my methods.

Also, at this rate, I may or may not have to give up conventions for like.. a year.
Which is awesome.
Cause, to be honest... all I have to look forward to are convention deadlines.
Rushing to get shit done, and then have a fucking blasty blast weekend.
I love that shit. I practically live for it.
I've met so many awesome people.
And they're not like... those friends you only meet once and never talk to again... I actually get to hang out with them.


It's pretty awesome.

I feel kinda weird though, cause.. a lot of these people are all super amazing cosplayers and I'm just... garbage.
Sooo~ I dunno.
They win awards and shit and I'm just over here... derping.

It's whatever though.

I'm just really excited to actually be getting a car now.


Current Mood: excitedexcited
05 August 2012 @ 09:40 pm
Ugh, I'm an adult.

Okay, so me and Joe went out and looked at the condo.
It's pretty nice actually. Bigger then we thought.

Our realtor is cute.

I told her that we only really need a place with one bedroom, since it's only us, but since I wanted the extra space to put my workshop in, that we would wanna check out a two bedroom place also.
Turns out, the one bedroom condo, has a den?
Which is awesome. Keeps the price low and I get my extra space.



I think she was weirded out, because she would walk into a room, show us around, and we would just kinda nod and stuff.
We didn't ask very many questions, we just liked everything she showed us.
I told her it was our first time buying, so we had no fucking idea what to even ask her about.

We love the place.
Joe is like, super ecstatic about it.
It's near everything.
The grocery store is like.. a ten minute walk away.
My job is basically right across the street.
I don't gotta worry about getting a car any time soon.

Joe still has a 45 minute drive to work, but that's nothing major.

We're both real excited.
Trying not to get our hopes up though.
Shit always happens.
Things have been going really great so far, so we're both kinda waiting to get kicked in the ass.

This would probably be it.

As far as money goes, we're okay.
Not quite where we had originally planned to be, with buffer money and all, but Joe is working all the overtime to make up for it.
Lucky bastard. he can just show up at work whenever he wants and get paid.
I get shit hours and shit pay.

I think I average about 150 bucks a week...

So we decided that Joe's money will be for house bills.
My money will be for little shit, like groceries or whatever nonsense we need around the house.
We found out that we'll be saving a pretty good portion of money because we don't really need a lot of stuff.
We don't watch TV... so we won't need cable or anything.
We both have cell phones, so we don't need a land line.
And we hardly eat anyway, so food isn't a big issue.
I think the only thing we'll have bills for will be the internet... we have netflix which will pretty much provide as our television.

This adult stuff isn't really as hard as people make it seem.

I'm nervous though.
I gotta call the mortgage guy back tomorrow and see if we can get approved or whatever.
Our realtor said that since we don't have any kind of debt, that we shouldn't have a problem.
Neither of us have a credit card though, so I didn't think we had any credit.
But Joe has been paying off car stuff and his student loans, so that apparently counts.
And I'm basically a hermit, so I buy everything online. From what I've heard, when your card is processed online, it's pretty much treated like a credit... but a credit that gets paid off immediately.
That's good. It's not a whole lot of credit, but it's a little bit of something, which is better then nothing.

Like I said... not getting my hopes up.

Joe's mom bought us some kitchen stuff.
Couple plates and bowls and things.
All black and grey. lol

I've already started to plan on decorating... I'm such a girl. omg

Also, if everything goes right, I was thinking of having a Thanksgiving dinner at our new place.
I'll try and cook or something. I dunno.
Fuck Christmas though... just... no. I hate Christmas.
Oh! Maybe even have the annual Halloween party? We haven't had one of those in.. I think.. 2 years?
It's been a year at least.

I dunno.
I'm just real excited.
It's just a cute place.
And it's the perfect size for what we need.
We don't take up much room and it's not like we're going to have kids or anything running around.

I just hope we get approved.
I don't think we'll have a problem though... cause.. I've seen some scumbags get places of their own and... I mean, c'mon... if they can get approved for their own place... then we definitely can.

The only buzzkill is that we won't be doing cons for probably a year.
So we'll have PA Ren Faire and then NYCC will be our last hurrah.
We just wanna build up the buffer money before we get too involved with anything unnecessary.
I'm gonna get so depressed... I can see it now. Cons are really the only thing I have to look forward to.
Maybe I can start having people over and stuff, have little mini-cons or something.
We'll be going to Otakon though, for sure. So that's something.

I'll update more once I find out for sure what's going on.
Fingers crossed~
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful